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AGING
with an
Attitude
No Place for
Blind Spots in
Caregiving
Dorie Sugay is the Executive Director
of Visiting Angels, a company that
provides living-assistance services to
seniors and adults-in-need who wish
to stay in their own home or receive
one-on-one care within a facility.
This article is for informational and
educational purposes only. It was
written independently of Visiting
Angels.
78
B
lind spots are the areas of the road
that cannot be seen while looking
forward or through either the
rear-view or side mirrors. To ensure safety
when driving, you turn your head to make
sure there isn’t another car or person “in the
blind spot,” Easy fix. But when you have an
emotional blind spot – that gets trickier. How
so? Turning your head when driving can be
scary for beginner drivers but most of us don’t
experience fear when we turn our heads. But
when you are faced with an emotional “blind
spot,” that is personal and you may not be
comfortable facing certain facts about yourself
or someone you love or look up to. Facing the
truth is not always easy.
One day I received a call from the
wife of someone I know. The couple had
conservatorship of care for someone who
used to work for them and she had dementia.
After a decade of taking care of hundreds of
clients with dementia and the many years of
training, my staff and I have had, it is safe
to say that we have a good understanding
of this challenge. The caller, who apparently
has siblings and in-laws in the medical field,
began by saying “the agency we work with
better realize that we have a lot of doctors and
nurses in our family, and we know dementia.”
She may have made that comment to be
intimidating but I was relieved to hear it. I
know, however, having dealt with so many
medical personnel, that their backgrounds
don’t necessarily make them experts in dealing
with dementia. Dealing with clients with
dementia is tough. So when a client’s family
understands this challenge, it is good news.
Before our company conducts an assess-
ment, we ask such questions as “what type
of dementia is it” and “what stage is it.” In
this case, I could tell that the caller did not
have the answers and was not willing to
admit it. She had a blind spot. Despite my
effort to guide her to “turn her head” to over-
come it, something kept her from working
through it. I was glad that she did not call
back – working with families who won’t work
through blind spots triples the difficulty of
helping those in our care who have dementia.
What blind spot do you have about your
Mom or Dad or someone you love that you
are caring for or setting up care for? What
blind spot do you have about yourself that
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
MAY/JUNE 2016
could be affecting the care you provide or you
are setting up? Daughters can easily have that
blind spot when Dad needs help—it can be
tough to accept that someone you adored and
revered, is showing signs of limitations, of
weaknesses. Sons may have a blind spot whe
Mom cannot take care of herself anymore. She
now needs help in doing even the basic task
of keeping herself clean. Many people have
a blind spot about their situation. One local
realtor called me one day, concerned that her
Mom seemed upset all weekend: “I hired you
people so my Mom is not on me about not
visiting,” she yelled. “Your caregiver can never
replace you.” I told her “We can give her the
best care, make her laugh, distract her from
missing you — but we cannot ever replace
you.” She hung up on me. She couldn’t get
past her blind spot.
Agencies like ours work with people in many
situations, from clients that really just need
companionship to those who have reached the
hospice stage. We work hard to bring meaning
to the lives of those we care for, and certainly
do not see ourselves as a stop gap, there to fill a
void. We can help family members “turn their
heads and avoid blind spots.” Some agencies
will just work with what they have to work
with, others will tug at you and try to point
to “a blind spot,” if it means offering better
possibilities for our clients. If you tell your care
providers to mind their own business, they will
— if the blind spot is not creating an unsafe
environment for your loved one.
What is your blind spot preventing you
from seeing? Is it the extent of care that your
loved one needs? Is it that they really need you
to be more present when you visit? Are you
ignoring your Mom or Dad’s needs because of
worries about finances? Do you need to accept
that you cannot do this alone and it is time to
take Mom or Dad to a nursing home? Is it that
you cannot keep up with Mom’s need and you
may need to help her adjust to the lifestyle in
an adult living community where others can be
there to socialize with her? If you don’t “turn
your head,” what consequences might you or
your loved one face later? If facing some reali-
ties is “just too hard,” give permission to some-
one (even the agency or your independent care-
giver) to alert you to the blind spot. But, please
don’t let blind spots keep you from securing
the best care for yourself or your loved one!
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