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AGING
with an
Attitude
It’s Your
Turn to Ask
Questions
Dorie Sugay is the Executive Director
of Visiting Angels, a company that
provides living-assistance services to
seniors and adults-in-need who wish
to stay in their own home or receive
one-on-one care within a facility.
This article is for informational and
educational purposes only. It was
written independently of Visiting
Angels.
92
W
hen you were a teenager, your
parents may have interrogated
you as if you were in an enemy
camp. You may have clung to something as
their probing went deeper and deeper, feeling
like you had to protect your privacy. Maybe
your anger barometer shot up in reaction to
their seeming absence of trust in you. Now as
adults, we know that our parents or guardians
asked so many questions because they cared.
For the most part, they asked questions to make
sure we were not getting ourselves in trouble.
During those times, tough love was in action.
They risked being unpopular but they asked
anyway…because they cared.
As young adults, we did not want our
parents to know what we were getting into,
even when we were towing the line – it was
a matter of principle; after all, we were not
children any more. They didn’t have to know
everything, right?
As adults with aging parents, we sometimes
find it is our turn to ask questions. If you find
yourself in this position, it may be time to
show tough love to your parents, if that is what
it takes.
Warning – do not try this at home without
preparing yourself, but if your parents’ actions
are raising your eyebrows, it is time that YOU
ask questions so you can better help your
senior loved ones travel the aging pathway, or
take over their care. It is time you take a risk,
to show you care and be able to give good care.
If your parents are accepting and comfortable
with the trials of aging, you may not need to
read this article. This is for those with parents
who don’t share information freely.
We often hear comments like this: “Dad
won’t shower, he goes into the bathroom but
comes out dry, and tells me he showered.
And he used to be so well-groomed all the
time!” Folks – this is not about not wanting to
shower. ASK questions. And yes, many times
you have to offer multiple possibilities. “Are
you worried about falling again?” “Is it too
cold for you?” “Steve next door gets dizzy when
he showers, is that an issue for you too?” Many
seniors won’t tell you what they fear or what
they are experiencing for many reasons. You
need to ask questions!
“Mom stopped wanting to go play bridge
with the ladies, we don’t know why.” Finding
the right moment to ask questions is key.
Don’t ask them about things they resist or are
sensitive about in front of others. If you put
them on the spot, you may never learn the
reason(s) why they resist something they used
to love, for example. “Mom, did anything
happen at the bridge party two months ago?
I noticed you stopped going, and you used to
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
JULY / AUGUST 2016
love it.” Maybe someone upset her. Your Mom
may not necessarily run to you to say that
someone made her feel old and incapacitated
but may be grateful that you offered to listen.
A client of ours stopped going to her favorite
card games because another lady joked about
walkers being unglamorous. Conscious of how
she looked, she stopped going. A veteran client
of ours stopped having coffee with his buddies
because having a caregiver drive him to the
coffee house was embarrassing to him. You can’t
help with an alternate solution without first
gathering information!
“She complains that I don’t call her, but then
she won’t answer the phone. When I ask her why
she is not answering the phone, she is evasive.
On the other hand I tell her to call me and
she won’t. It is so frustrating.” Ask questions…
calmly. Mom, can you hear the phone when you
are in the living room? Some of them hate the
idea of getting a hearing aid and yet they can’t
hear too well. By the way, even if you ask, they
may not tell you. Be observant. Then confront
them with data you have gathered. “You didn’t
hear that phone, so I am going to turn up the
ringer, if that is ok with you.” And she may not
be calling because she can’t see the numbers too
well. Surprise her with one of those phones with
big numbers; some even allow you to program
phone numbers, and you can put the picture
of the individual whose programmed number
corresponds to that phone dial pad. With many
seniors, you have to ask and observe so you can
figure out what really is going on.
Yes, there are unreasonable people, but being
unreasonable is not necessarily part of aging.
When your loved one seems unreasonable or
resistant to something important, don’t just
accept it as part of their aging process – ask
questions. “You haven’t taken your medications,
why?” Ask and be observant. If they have
arthritic hands, has it gotten too tough to pick
up the medications with their fingers? Is it
time to put it in a little medication cup? Has
your dad forgotten to take his pills or did he
get confused and thought he already took it?
Especially when the answer could allude to new
limitations because of age or a medical issue, be
sensitive but don’t take the easy path and let it
go. There are ways to help your parents remem-
ber, to help them clear up confusion and lean on
you a little for help with solutions. Ask, please!
Your parents loved you enough to take risks
– they asked questions that could help them
guide you, support and care for you, even when
they saw fire in your eyes. Here’s a tip – they
wanted you to love them too, they wanted to be
the cool parent too BUT they love you enough
to take a risk. Now it’s your turn, and you can
do the same for them.
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