the RELATIONSHIP dance
WITH VICKI MINERVA
Speaking the Language(s) of Love
D
o you remember how
exhilarated you felt in the
beginning of your relation-
ship? That special person took up a
LOT of space in your mind. It was an
exciting, intoxicating experience. There
was a freshness and joy to being with
your loved one in those early days.
As the years pass and the
commitments and struggles of life
pierce the bubble, the satisfaction
wanes. Most (but not all) of us figure
out that the first, star-struck phase of
a relationship can’t be sustained. The
tricky part is learning how to make
the transition to a loving relationship
over time.
When your life together moves
through the grind of daily living, it
helps to understand the ways that our
partner “speaks” love to keep love alive.
I’ve seen the hurt that results from
feeling unappreciated and unloved
because someone doesn’t understand
how to communicate in a way that truly
connects. This same concept extends to
communicating with kids and
co-workers too.
Author Gary Chapman has written
about this in his book, The 5 Love
Languages. Take a look and see which
ones fit you and which fit the people
in your life.
Words of Affirmation
The person who speaks this language
gives praise and appreciation with
words, to let you know they think
you’re wonderful. They need to hear it
from you, too. It’s in this way that they
know they’re special. Words of criticism
have a powerful impact that can deeply
wound this person.
Acts of Service
This is the person who shows love by
helping with the chores and making
sure that they do what they said they
would do. They feel loved when you
ask if you can get them something when
you walk into the kitchen or help them
prepare dinner. On the flip side, if you
don’t do what you committed to do, they
will be offended and feel unimportant.
Affection/Physical Touch
This person responds well to a hug, kiss,
or snuggling. In an intimate relationship,
it’s also sexual, but not just that. Be
careful with tickling or groping, as it
isn’t universally appealing. Discretion is
obviously needed in the workplace, but
a handshake or pat on the back can go a
long way to provide affirmation to those
who speak this language. In the absence
of touch, they will feel isolated and
alone, unappreciated.
Gifts
This isn’t about materialism. Even small
gifts can go a long way to show this
person you are thinking of them. Pay
attention to their preferences for foods,
flowers, or treats. A gift card to say
thanks to a coworker may go farther than
an email with kudos. To the person who
speaks this language, a gift shows you
are appreciative of them, and you make
the effort to understand what they like.
Quality Time
This person loves to spend time doing
things with you. Checking in at the
end of the day, working on a project
together, going for a walk, or playing
a game are samples of how you might
speak this language. It’s always a best bet
to ask them what they prefer. They will
feel like the day is empty without time
to connect.
Most people typically have one
or two of the above as their primary
languages. When you’re not speaking
the same language as your partner,
child, friend or coworker, you may
feel that your efforts at being thought-
ful or loving are falling short of
the mark. For example: If her love
language is ‘Acts of Service’ and yours
is ‘Gifts’, she’ll appreciate the flowers
you bring her, but will feel really cared
for when you help her get the kids
going in the morning. If one of his
primary love languages is ‘Physical
Touch’ and yours is ‘Quality Time’,
he may enjoy a picnic at the beach,
but he’ll feel loved when you embrace
him when he comes home from work.
Notice if your child blossoms when
you praise him, or stops acting out
when you sit down and read her
a story. These are all clues to what
makes them feel loved.
Discover your languages when
you take an online quiz, based on
Chapman’s book, at: 5lovelanguages.
com/profile.
In the same way that it’s important
to be sensitive to cultural differences
when you travel, you can be aware of,
and respond to the things that speak
most effectively to the people who
matter in your life. Even if it’s not your
“native language,” you can become
more fluent in the love languages of
others and enhance the effectiveness,
closeness and satisfaction in your
relationships.
Vicki Minerva has lived
and worked in the
South County area as
a Marriage and Family
Therapist for over 35
years. She and her
husband George raised
two beautiful daughters
with the help of the
village here. Her educa-
tion includes a M.Div. degree from Fuller
Seminary and a M.A. in Marriage, Family
Counseling from Santa Clara University. You
can contact her at 408.848.8793 or visit
her website at vickiminerva.com
My goal is to provide you with some information and help you access tools that will help you live your life and manage your
relationships in healthier ways. This information is not a substitute for personal counseling and should not be taken out of context.
There are many reputable therapists in the South County area should you need additional help.
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GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
JULY / AUGUST 2016
gmhtoday.com