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AGING
with an
Attitude
I
Older Adults ARE
Still Accountable
overheard an older adult say, “I
have earned the right to do what
I want, to say what I want and
certainly to not do what I don’t
wish to do.” She was in a heated argu-
ment with her daughter, whose face
was a picture of extreme stress and
sadness. The daughter was trying to
convince her mom to keep her doctor’s
appointment. When conducting client
assessments for Visiting Angels, I have
observed this type of exchange often.
One must ask, is it right that when
one has reached a certain age, they are
exempt from accountability?
What is accountability anyway?
Here’s a definition from Dictionary.
com: Being accountable not only
means being responsible for something
but also ultimately being answerable
for your actions. It is the latter part of
this definition that older adults buck
rather frequently, especially when a
sibling is asking them to do something
they are resisting—like giving up the
keys to the car or allowing a caregiver
to assist them at home.
Anyone who has lived through
life’s trials and has entered “the golden
years,” has earned the stripes to have
their say. But maybe these reminders
can help.
1. You did your best to take care of
your children, and if you don’t have
any, to be kind and good to relatives.
Please remember that when they are
suggesting ways to keep you health-
ier—to keep you safe and even hap-
pier—that is partly their way of giving
back to you. The least you can do is
have an open mind, listen, hear the
love behind the suggestion(s). They are
being accountable to you; remember
your responsibility to them too.
2. Sometimes it isn’t just about you.
Those who love you, and are helping
you already, have other obligations.
Although they are committed to
ensuring that you are taken care of—
72
to ensure that your needs are met—they
may need help so they can focus on
their work or their children or even their
health. Hear them out. Just like you
think you may deserve to call the shots,
by helping you, they have earned the
right to be heard. It could be a win-win
situation if you listen and open up! For
example – you may end up liking the
caregiver who comes in and takes care
of your basic needs, and your daughter
or son can visit and de-stress with you
instead of running around to do errands
for you.
Being accountable not only
means being responsible…
but also ultimately being
answerable for your
actions.
Any individual who wishes to live a
life with some meaning must accept that
there must be some form of account-
ability! For relationships to work,
there must be accountability, no matter
the age. It is not about your right to
leave unwashed dishes in the sink, or
choosing not to attend a family party.
It’s about the accountability to listen,
to communicate and to hear them out.
It’s about being truthful to your family.
You raised your children to love, to give
back. Trust them enough to tell them
the truth about your health, your needs.
.even your fears. Fear causes most older
adults to camouflage their reality. When
you hide the facts about your health,
you are depriving your loved ones of the
real YOU. They don’t expect you to be
the unstoppable, unafraid superpower
they knew when they were ten years old.
Give them trust and respect—be hon-
est with them, especially if your health
challenges will affect them.
Be accountable in the relationships
GILROY • MORGAN HILL • SAN MARTIN
WINTER 2020
you have with other members of
society as well. And, yes, with your
caregiver, if you have one. A qualified
caregiver comes with skills, good
character, strong values. They deserve
your kindness, respect, and patience.
The caregivers need to follow their job
description, the policies of the agency
they may belong to, and to the State
of California. In this relationship, your
support of their obligations is the best
way to express accountability to your
caregiver.
We all understand when an older
adult feels like they have earned the
right to call the shots, and to live the
way they wish to. But, one must think
of how the decision affects others.
Will your choices hurt your relation-
ships? Will they impose more on your
children? Will they cause harm to
someone who is already overwhelmed
with life? If you expect others to
be accountable, are you practicing
accountability yourself?
The daughter who was trying to
get her Mom to keep her doctor’s
appointment was concerned because
her Mom had fallen several times
(causing her to miss a lot of work).
One can only hope the Mom recognizes
her responsibility to her daughter, her
obligation to be answerable for her
actions. Expecting your daughter to
leave her job to take care of you is not
an accountable thought!
Bottom Line: Please be answerable for
your actions when dealing with those
who are there for you.
gmhtoday.com
Written by
Dorie Sugay,
the Executive
Director of
Visiting Angels.