Jordan is the author of four writing guides and three novels . Her articles have been published in such places as : Alternet , The Atlantic , Marin Magazine , the New York Times , the Petaluma Magazine , Salon , the San Francisco Chronicle , the Washington Post and many more .

decided to leave her unhappy marriage after twelve years , she anticipated that it would bring her ten-year-old son Tony relief , as well . After all , her husband could be volatile in his anger and difficult to live with .

Ewertz , a Morgan Hill journalist , was unprepared for her son ’ s reaction to the split . “ There was so much anger ,” she said . Her sweet , kind , funny kid became brooding and morose . “ He was hurting ,” she said .

She did what many concerned parents do , got him in to see a therapist . But that wasn ’ t what Tony wanted . “ He needed a connection to me , but I was so busy securing a fulltime job and going to school at night , that I was gone a lot ,” she said .

For nine months her son refused to say “ I love you ” at night , and Ewertz worried that he might never return to his former self .

She wouldn ’ t realize until many years later , after her son was older , that he ’ d expressed his anger at her because she was the safe parent . “ He didn ’ t have that choice with his father . All the negatives were coming at me .”

At the one-year anniversary of her split from his father , he finally told her that she ’ d done the right thing .

Her experience inspired Ewertz to research and write her new book , “ Family Redefined : A Revealing Look Inside the World of Children of Divorce ,” published in October , 2020 . In it , she interviews 10 adult children of divorce , and seven local therapists and counselors who have insight into the effects of divorce on children .

Her book is different from other books on divorce in that it prioritizes the voices of those who know best : the ( now adult ) children who lived through the fracture of their families . The effects of divorce have lingering repercussions in her subjects ’ lives , but most of them were able to find necessary resilience in one way or another .

One big revelation came out of her first interview , when “ Lisa ” revealed she wished that her mom had shared how scared and worried she was during her divorce . Ewertz was shocked to realize that children crave transparency and honesty from their parents , even about difficult things . Otherwise , kids can feel isolated and scared . “ My son ’ s words were , ‘ My world was turned upside down ,’” she said .

In fact , another revelation for Ewertz came from a therapist who compared divorce to a death . “ It ’ s the death of the family as they know it . They have to go through the same stages of grief that you do when you lose a loved one . You don ’ t see it when you ’ re in the muck of it ,” Ewertz explained .

The therapists she interviewed explained that even though a child ’ s environment might include yelling ,

fighting , or even abuse , to them this is still their “ normal .”

“ To take them away from something , even though it ’ s the best thing you can do , it scares the hell out of them and throws them into a tailspin ,” Ewertz said .

Parents need to allow their children time to mourn , she said . This means not introducing someone new to the family right away , such as a new partner , either . “ They ’ re still grieving the loss of their family .”

Additionally , if the parents can ’ t make themselves available enough at the time of a divorce , kids need someone they can rely upon , be it a sibling or a friend , she said . One of her subjects she calls “ Brad ,” who felt “ duped ” by his parents ’ divorce , turned toward a youth pastor . “ He thought his parents were living the American dream , and that was pulled out from under him , so he didn ’ t count on them ,” Ewertz said .

Writing this book helped Ewertz process the choices she made and understand her son ’ s reactions better decades after her divorce . Her son is now 41 , and they are incredibly close .

And when Ewertz met the man who would become her second husband , her son eventually bonded to him , but it took time . Tony wasn ’ t the only one who required time ; the couple were together fifteen years before they married . “ It took a long time for me to want to take that step to marriage again ,” she said . They ’ ve since been together thirty-one years .

She hopes parents who read her book will take away the message , “ You ’ re not alone . Get help and make sure you have the support system so that you can be there for your children ,” Ewertz said . “ There is hope .” Ewertz ’ s book is available at all online booksellers , and at BookSmart of Morgan Hill .

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